The Loud Impact of a Quiet Ego: From Listing to “Listen”-ing

Jonathan Ross Gilbert, PhD, Michael T. Krush, PhD, Kevin J. Trainor, PhD, and Heidi A. Wayment, PhD

The real estate sales profession is not immune to the near and long-term impacts of disruptive technologies like artificial intelligence (AI). A (seemingly) perfect storm of factors like consumer empowerment, regulatory upheaval, AI-powered tools, and new social norms is reshaping how real estate agents engage with clients, market properties, manage transactions, and build their professional brands.^1-4 This new reality necessitates a timely re-evaluation of real estate agent identities, alongside the acquisition of new skills, to shift how they view their role and deliver meaningful value to clients in a complex market. 

Our research suggests that adopting a “quiet ego” may provide one crucial pathway for real estate agents to redefine their role and approach. The quiet ego cultivates a balanced sense of self that leads to genuine connection, empathy, and compassionate listening—three essential qualities for establishing trust and authentic relationships in sales. This perspective encourages real estate agents to shift from the level of ego that fueled past success toward embracing the deeper collaboration and more nuanced adaptability required to meet the evolving expectations of today’s home buyers.

Learning How to Flourish in a Chaotic World

Traditional psychology can be useful in helping individuals address mental health issues, stress, and other challenges, but when it comes to navigating a changing, fast-paced, and competitive environment like real estate, the often-overlooked field of positive psychology may offer an effective pathway to improving individual well-being and performance.⁵ For much of its history, the field concentrated on diagnosing disorders and alleviating dysfunction, but in the late 1990s Martin Seligman introduced a shift that emphasized human strengths, well-being, and the pursuit of optimal functioning.^6,7  His view was that in addition to examining what goes wrong in people’s lives, we should also examine what goes right, focusing on the factors that allow individuals to thrive, experience happiness, and achieve personal growth. 

One such positive psychological concept is the “quiet ego,” which serves as a valuable resource individuals can draw upon to regulate ego-driven stress, enhance emotional intelligence, and cultivate meaningful connections.⁸ Drawing on the quiet ego in real estate sales can enhance performance by enabling agents to remain grounded and focused within a fast paced and competitive environment. The challenge, however, is that the ego is naturally oriented toward winning.

What is the “Quiet Ego”? 

Wayment et al. (2015) define the quiet ego as “a subjective stance toward the self and others in which the volume of the ego is turned down so that it might listen to others” (p. 1000). The key principle is striking a balance between self-interest and concern for others. It does not mean having no ego or completely suppressing the self; rather, it refers to taming the ego so that it doesn't dominate our thoughts, actions, or relationships. In fact, core aspects of the ego often manifest as persistent (sometimes indelible) characteristics in real estate sales agents (e.g., high self-confidence, self-promotion instinct, assertiveness, and risk tolerance).^9,10

However, while these qualities may be essential for surviving and thriving in the industry, they can be a double-edged sword in today’s consumer-empowered marketplace. An overly inflated ego can shift a real agent's focus from building meaningful, long-term relationships with clients to prioritizing personal gain and external validation. Buyers and sellers want an agent who will advocate for them and negotiate effectively on their behalf. Confidence and assertiveness, traits sometimes confused with a strong ego, are crucial in this regard; in fact, these traits project knowledge and value to clients. However, the key to success in real estate sales lies in maintaining a healthy ego; one that strikes a balance between confidence and humility. Real estate agents need to advocate for their clients, push for the best deals, and help clients make informed decisions, but without crossing the line into overbearing or self-serving behavior.

The (Quiet) Ego and Sales

We explored how the quiet ego contributes to adaptive selling behavior and, in turn, supports sales success by surveying a sample of 325 sales professionals representing a broad array of industries in Europe and Asia. Adaptive selling refers to a broad set of knowledge, skills, abilities, and other characteristics that have been shown, time and time again, to predict successful selling performance.¹¹ In other words, the most effective salespeople cultivate essential character traits and flex their skillsets to meet the unique needs and wants of buyers. 

The research question was “How?” What we discovered was that the quiet ego has a strong and positive effect on individual sales performance specifically because of its ability to activate adaptive selling behaviors. Salespeople with quieter egos demonstrated higher levels of adaptive selling behavior. These results show that the quiet ego holds significant value in a sales context and can predict success in a variety of professional sectors and contexts. Perhaps, of equal importance, the quiet ego may be a teachable area for salespeople through cost-effective interventions.¹²

When Opportunity Knocks

Principal and managing brokers need to rethink how they train, motivate, and support their teams. Moving beyond traditional methods, incorporating technology, and focusing on holistic development (not just sales tactics) could make a significant difference. For example, the ‘Quiet Ego Scale’⁷ is a free, easy-to-administer tool that helps assess where prospective and current real estate sales agents stand with respect to their egos, both at a single point in time and longitudinally alongside sales data. We also recommend the following five-step approach to begin incorporating the concept of the quiet ego into selling activities and linking it directly to improved client relationships, adaptive selling, and sales outcomes: (1) conduct a workshop that emphasizes the practical benefits of cultivating a quiet ego and identifies the specific behaviors participants should develop; (2) practice regular self-reflection and mindfulness using guided exercises or apps to strengthen awareness and reduce reactive responses driven by ego; (3) apply real-world client role-play exercises to develop skills in listening, collaborative problem solving, and balancing the impulse to win with the goal of serving; (40 incorporate quiet ego measures into performance reviews, drawing on client feedback about responsiveness and listening as well as peer evaluations of collaboration and adaptability; and (5) model the quiet ego as a core team value by having leaders consistently demonstrate behaviors such as attentive listening, openness to admitting mistakes, and respect for others’ input.

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Recommended Reading

Gilbert, Jonathan Ross, Michael T. Krush, Kevin J. Trainor, and Heidi A. Wayment (2022), “The (Quiet) Ego and Sales: Transcending Self-Interest and Its Relationship with Adaptive Selling,” Journal of Business Research, 150, 326-338. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jbusres.2022.06.003

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References

1. Graystone Investment Group (2025, August 11), “Future of Real Estate: Key Trends & Predictions Ahead,” https://graystoneig.com/articles/the-future-of-real-estate-trends-and-predictions-for-the-coming-years
2. Marr, Bernard (2024, July 11), “How Generative AI Will Change the Job of Real Estate Agents,” Forbes,https://www.forbes.com/sites/bernardmarr/2024/07/11/how-generative-ai-will-change-the-job-of-real-estate-agents/
3. Realtor.com (2025, January 9), “How AI Will Impact Your Real Estate Marketing in 2025 and Beyond,” https://www.realtor.com/marketing/resources/how-ai-will-impact-your-real-estate-marketing-in-2025-and-beyond/
4. Wolkomir, Alex, Michael Hales, Vaibhav Gujral, Laura Campbell, Nicolette Lewis, and Sam O’Gorman (2024), “The New Real Estate Investment Edge: Tech-Enabled Brand, CX, and Loyalty,” McKinsey & Company. https://www.mckinsey.com/industries/real-estate/our-insights/the-new-real-estate-investment-edge-tech-enabled-brand-cx-and-loyalty?utm_source=chatgpt.com#/
5. Carr, Alan (2021), “Effectiveness of Positive Psychology Interventions: A Meta-Analysis of Randomized Controlled Trials,” Journal of Positive Psychology, 16(3), 390-405. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2020.1818807
6. Seligman, Martin E. (2019), “Positive Psychology: A Personal History,” Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 15(1), 1-23. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-050718-095653
7. Seligman, Martin E. P. (2011), Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being, Free Press.
8. Wayment, Heidi A., Jack J. Bauer, Kateryna Sylaska (2015), “The Quiet Ego Scale: Measuring the Compassionate Self-Identity,” Journal of Happiness Studies, 16(4), 999-1033. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-014-9546-z
9. Brown, Steven P., William L. Cron, and John W. Slocum, Jr. (1998), “Effects of Trait Competitiveness and Perceived Intraorganizational Competition on Salesperson Goal Setting and Performance,” Journal of Marketing, 62(4), 88-98. https://doi.org/10.1177/002224299806200407
10. Mallin, Michael L., Charles B. Ragland, Todd A. Finkle (2014), “The Proactive Behavior of Younger Salespeople: Antecedents and Outcomes,” Journal of Marketing Channels, 21(4), 268-278. https://doi.org/10.1080/1046669X.2014.945359
11. Weitz, Barton A., Harish Sujan, Mita Sujan (1986), “Knowledge, Motivation, and Adaptive Behavior: A Framework for Improving Selling Effectiveness,” Journal of Marketing, 50(4), 174–191.https://doi.org/10.1177/002224298605000404
12. Liu, Guanyu, Linda M. Isbell, Michael J. Constantino, and Bernhard Leidner (2022), “Quiet Ego Intervention Enhances Flourishing by Increasing Quiet Ego Characteristics and Trait Emotional Intelligence: A Randomized Experiment,” Journal of Happiness Studies, 23(7), 3605-3623. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-022-00560-z 

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About the Authors

Jonathan Ross Gilbert, PhD, MS, MILR, MBA 
Research Chair and Associate Professor, Bang College of Business, KIMEP University (Kazakhstan) 
Dr. Jonathan Ross Gilbert (PhD – University of Rhode Island) is a marketing scholar, award-winning educator, and former turnaround manager with a proven track record for developing and implementing performance improvement plans under adverse conditions. Over the course of his career, he has taken on advisory roles with Fortune 500 companies, nonprofit organizations, and government agencies around the world. His pioneering service designs and inspired marketing strategies have reached and engaged millions of customers worldwide. Dr. Gilbert’s current research examines the role of marketing strategy as a means of enhancing consumer and human well-being, industrial consumerism in global markets, service operation innovation in a digital age, and the promotion of agile learning through innovative pedagogies in higher education. He has published peer-reviewed articles in leading journals such as Industrial Marketing Management, Journal of Business Research, Journal of Public Policy & Marketing, Journal of Consumer Affairs, Journal of Services Marketing, Journal of Advertising, Journal of International Advertising, and other high-quality outlets. Dr. Gilbert holds a PhD in Business Administration (Marketing) from the University of Rhode Island, an MS in Behavioral and Social Sciences from Brown University, a MILR in Human Resources from Cornell University, an MBA in General Management from Harvard Business School, and a BA in Economics from Pomona College. 

Michael T. Krush, PhD 
Professor of Marketing and Associate Director of the National Strategic Selling Institute, College of Business Administration, Kansas State University 
Dr. Michael T. Krush’s (PhD – University of Nebraska-Lincoln) research examines the marketing processes that lead to firm performance, as well as the personal and situational elements that aid salespeople in reaching their performance goals. Dr. Krush’s research has been published in leading journals including the Journal of the Academy of Marketing Science, Industrial Marketing Management, Journal of Business Research, and Journal of Business Ethics. He is a co-author of one of the leading sales textbooks within universities, The ABC’s of Relationship Selling Through Service. Prior to academia, Dr. Krush worked in brand management as well as marketing in the financial services industry. He holds a PhD in Business Administration (Marketing) from the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, an MBA from the University of Iowa, and a BSBA from the University of South Dakota.

Kevin J. Trainor, PhD 
Department Head & Professor of Marketing, College of Business, New Mexico State University 
Dr. Kevin J. Trainor’s (PhD – Kent State University) research has been published in leading journals including Journal of Business Research, Decision Support Systems, Industrial Marketing Management, Journal of Personal Selling and Sales Management, and Marketing Management Journal. Before arriving at NMSU, Trainor taught at Marquette University, served as Dean of the School of Business at Carroll University, and spent nearly a decade at Northern Arizona University, where he held leadership roles such as associate dean of Academic Affairs and founding director of the Professional Selling Program. Trainor holds a PhD in business administration from Kent State University, an MBA from Arizona State University and a bachelor’s degree in management information systems from the University of Arizona.

Heidi A. Wayment, PhD 
Regents’ Professor, College of Social and Behavioral Sciences, Northern Arizona University  
A successful teacher and scholar, Dr. Heidi A. Wayment (PhD – UCLA) has published over 80 research articles in top journals in the areas of social psychology, health psychology, and health promotion. She is a named Fellow of the Society of Experimental Social Psychology and the Association of Psychological Science. In addition to research on the quiet ego, Dr. Wayment’s other research interests include self-evaluation processes, psychosocial predictors of reactions to stress, and predictors of health attitudes and behavior.

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